What the Fuck???? My first "Top Ten"

The top ten things that make me go......"What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck?"

10. The LonelyGirl15 Finale....

Okay, aside from the usual piss poor acting, the writing in the last 12 episodes was beyond awful. Here's a tip, assholes: if you want people to tune in for the second season, you need to create some kind of likeability in the characters. You failed miserably. So Bree "dies," and that Lauren idiot is whining about why Jonah hasn't yet realized that she's the girl for him? Are you kidding me? Dammit, we just watched about 250 episodes about Bree, and have been led to believe she's dead...and now we're supposed to give a shit about this whiny bitch? Hire someone to do your writing for you, seriously. You suck, and you're number ten.

9. Julie Chen.

Considering how little we expect from news "personalities" and reality show hosts, one has to suck extra hard in order to be recognized for their ability to eat shit. Julie "But First" Chenbot has perfected the craft of suckiness - Vanilla Ice and Carlos Mencia could take lessons from her. How the hell is this dumbass on TV at all (*cough* married to the president of CBS)? Eight seasons of crap land the Chenbot at number nine.

8. Tealights.

You stupid candles piss me the fuck off. It gets dark at like nine, and maybe I'm not ready for bed four hours later. And yet you mock me and go out. Fuck you, assholes. I'll stay up as late as I want, you can't stop me. Seriously, I will throw your ass right in the trash and light up one of your friends. Actually, I won't, because I don't stay up until 5am (and what kind of loser blows out a tealight? I'll tell you what kind: the same kind that eats half a pack of M&M's, and saves the rest for "later"). You tealights are pathetic, and you come in at number eight.

7. Boxes with handles that aren't equipped to handle their load.

That's right, beer 12 packs, this one's for you. Your little handles are worthless pieces of shit. Do you know how stupid I look when I'm walking out of the store, carrying you on your stupid little handle, and then you break on me? Asshole. The only way I could look any stupider is by carrying you under your dumbass bottom with both arms, which is what I have to do. You're lucky I'm not drunk when I buy you, or you'd get the ass kicking you deserve. Number seven.

6. Jet Blue

You want to strand me in NYC with no other means of getting home? Guess what, I found a way - a flipping rental car. Too bad I live in Colorado. Partner up with another airline so your customers will have an option outside of the two you gave me: (1) wait in JFK for five days until we get you on a flight, or (2) Get a hotel in MANHATTAN AT CHRISTMAS and wait those five days. You are number six.

5. Gas prices

Yeah, maybe I should get my fat ass on my bike a bit more, but how can I do a WTF top ten in August 07 and not complain about gas prices? I hate you stupid prices, and the signs you hang out on. $5.



4. Every "journalist" who's not Jim Lehrer or Christiane Amanpour (plus a few others, Lara Logan comes to mind; use your own judgement).

Do you think we give a crap about what Nicole Richie is doing these days? No. You know who does care? The people who watch the E! Channel. You like to mock me with your stupid suits and fancy dresses...you think you're smarter than me? You're celebrity obsessed whiny assholes, and you're also number four.

3. The MySpace Top Twelve

So if I don't answer your comment/message/IM right away, I get demoted on your top twelve? Is that supposed to hurt my feelings? It actually just makes me embarrassed that I'm friends with someone as superficial as you. Pathetic = three.


2. Best Buy Geek Squad

You, with your stupid little ties and dumbass emo glasses. I hate you. Enough said. #2.


1. Tiny bikes

I realize I'm old every time I see an guy riding around on this:



Seriously, you look like an idiot. You don't look cool, and you aren't going to get chicks riding around on the bike I had when I was seven. Where are your little streamers? And what about the bell? Ringa-ding-ding, here comes an asshole! You peddled your way to number ONE.