YA Fiction: A hundred and thirty seven reasons to kill yourself

Well, it's official: as a child, I was retarded.

I liked Kristy, Claudia, Stacey and Mary Anne, but I loved and adored Elizabeth and Jessica. Ladies in my age range, you know who they are - the Wakefield twins of Sweet Valley, California. That admirable pair, with their 'sun-streaked blond hair and perfect size six figures,' were the stars of Sweet Valley High. Oh, also Sweet Valley Twins, Sweet Valley Kids, Sweet Valley High: Senior Year, Sweet Valley University, Junior High, Team Sweet Valley, The Unicorns, and Elizabeth. Do you have any idea how many school dances that is?

These bitches would have hated me. Well, Jessica would have - Elizabeth may have made me into one of her weekly 'projects' in which I'd be cured of my non-size-six figure and brown hair, after which she'd be congratulated and I'd never be heard from again. Not even in a Gay McKay secondary character kind of way (I'm a better poet than Liz).

So why did we like them so much? I mean, seriously, these books were hugely popular everywhere I lived (Wisconsin, California and Texas). I was all up in the B. Dalton or WaldenBooks on the 15th of every month, when the newest installment would come out. Along with millions of other pre-teens, I devoured these books.

In part, I still credit the series for my love of reading - they did get me excited about books at eight or nine years old. It's just too bad that I was excited to read the adventures of a sociopath floozy and her hypocrite, enabling sister. Not exactly great role models. Add to that, Francine Pascal and her army of ghost writers never failed to remind us that being blond is great, wearing glasses is nerdy and being fat (anything over a size six) is reason enough to kill yourself.

I'm not going to bother getting into the absolute absurdity of the plots - as Moe once said to Homer, "That's the stupidest story I've ever heard, and I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series." A quick example: One whole book revolves around Rosa, who is ashamed to admit to the rest of the SVH gang that she's Mexican - and yes, these books were supposed to take place in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. Apparently the (presumably) adult ghostwriters were even more retarded than I was at age twelve.

Anyway, for all the new moms out there - are you eager to find a way to let your young girls know that they are worthless unless they're thin, blond and mentally retarded? "OK!" Great news! The Sweet Valley High series is being re-released in 2008! That's right, I guess Francine Pascal has blown through all her money from the original run (seventy years of hair bleach and sweater/scarf sets that almost match can't be cheap) and has decided to inflict her "creative" bile on a whole new generation of young girls. Luckily, girls today have much better role models to idolize: Britney Spears and that Kardashian whore, for example. By the way, here's a picture of Francine, probably taken somewhere around Secca Lake. Is anyone surprised that the bitch is (kind of) thin and blond? She could totally be mistaken for the twins' great grandmother.

How did this idea get the green light? Even through my own considerable retardation I was able to call bullshit on these plotlines...are pre-teens today really going to jump at the chance to read about a bunch of teenage virgins who cry at the mention of beer or marijuana? Doubtful. Seriously, by the end of the series the twins were fighting werewolves and fending off crazy look-alike serial killers. Even Survivor is more realistic than what went on in and around Casa Wakefield.

Case in point: I was at Subway the other day, waiting patiently for my Veggie Delite sub (oh, I could totally go for one of those right now), shamelessly eavesdropping on a group of pre-teens behind me. One of these ridiculous morons was loudly bragging about the fact that "the prostitution charges" against her had been dropped. Her sidekick (I think her name was Lois Waller) chimed in, "yeah, because you're under age." What the fuck?!?! Jessica Wakefield could legitimately pass judgement on these people. And sidenote, why do that shit in public? I mean, clearly you want attention, but WTF? "Oooh, you whore yourself out? HIGH FIVE!" Anyway, this is not exactly the generation to be shocked by Miller's point.

Nice try, Pascal, but your days of making young girls feel like shit are over. I hope.

Coming up: My love for The Girls Next Door and my hate for everything else on the E! Channel. I'm sure my pre-teen love for the Wakefields has nothing whatsoever to do with my current love for these three blondes. Nothing at all.